Mother Again
by DarkAngelSnapeLover
Summary: After a pleasant dream about his mother, will strange occurences begin for Alan and Charlie? One-shot. R


MOTHER AGAIN

"Good morning, Charlie," Alan whispered. "Did you even sleep last night?"

"For a few minutes, but then I had this terrible dream about Mom, and…I just couldn't get back to sleep."

"What? Did she never die?"

"No she did, but…she changed, Alan. Now, she was bribed into the deal by a millionaire, but she actually started being kind and loving, like a real mother. Then, boom, her heart gave out and she died. In the dream, we treated her death like a holiday, like we would anyway, and it scared me because of how real it was."

"Do you think Mom would run into a millionaire who saw enough in her to try to convert her?" Alan asked. Charlie nodded. "I don't believe you."

"Well…if you could see the dream in the way I did, you'd think the same thing," Charlie said sternly, standing to get more coffee. Jake then walked into the room and took his seat.

"Berta! Pancakes!" he said sternly.

"No! Move!" Charlie said sternly. Jake shot him a dirty look, though also a sleepy one. "What, do you think I'm playing a game or something? Get your wide load out of my chair!"

"Fine! But I still want pancakes!"

"And we still want respect," Alan said sternly. "We're not going to put up with this new attitude. Keep it up and you'll have to go stay with grandma over the weekends."

"No! No! I'll be good! I'll be good! Can I _please_ have pancakes though? I dreamed of swimming with them, like the swimming with dolphins thing on TV last night, except the water was syrup and the dolphins were French toast, pancakes, and dunking sticks, but of the three, pancakes are my favorite," Jake begged. Alan sighed.

"We'll consider it, but go get dressed. Your mom will be here in an hour to pick you up," Alan replied, sighing and sitting down as Jake left the room. "I don't know what has happened to him lately. His mom isn't speaking to me or anything, so I can't ask her."

"The bitch finally stopped asking you for everything?" Charlie asked sternly.

"Charlie, I was…well, you do have a point," Alan whispered. "I think something is going on with her, but I figure…"

"Why mess it up?"

"Yeah," Alan nodded. Jake then walked into the room wearing a shirt and unzipped jeans. His toothbrush was sticking out of his mouth and his comb was in his hand.

"Pancakes, _**please**_?" he begged. Alan sighed and began getting supplies. Jake silently cheered, then got back to his work.

"I want to talk to her about it, but I think I should wait for her, you know? Besides, she'll tell me. She told me about everything that ever bothered her when we were married, and I figured that now shouldn't change anything."

"Well, her attitude did take a drastic change. She found her inner demon and converted to bitchism. That would be enough to shut any woman up," Charlie cracked. Alan sighed.

"Though rude and crude, you do make good points," Alan whispered, plopping six pancakes onto a plate and sticking them at Jake's spot. Charlie tried to get one, but Alan slapped his hand. "He'll eat all of those. I'm making yours right now."

"Fine," Charlie groaned childishly. The doorbell rang, and Alan looked too busy to bother, so Charlie answered the door, just to find Judith.

"I need to talk to Alan. Alone," she whispered.

"He's cooking. You want some pancakes? I'm sure he can mix some up with blood de baby if you want that," Charlie said sarcastically.

"Do you ever stop?" she asked coarsely. "Just let me speak to him. It'll only be a minute."

"Fine. ALAN!"

"What? I'm in the middle of something!" Alan called back.

"It's your ex-poltergeist, I mean wife!" he yelled. Judith scoffed at him as she waited. Charlie went into the kitchen so that Alan could go outside, but Alan asked about why she was there. "Personal problems. Maybe she's telling you something about her soul going missing or something."

"You're unusually feisty this morning," Alan said sternly. Charlie smirked.

"Keeps my mind off things," he smirked, taking over the pancakes. Alan went outside onto the front stoop with Judith.

"I wanted to talk about why I've been so…quiet lately. I've found something out, and I wanted you to be the first to know," she whispered.

"What is it? This looks serious."

"It is, very actually," she sighed, putting her head in her hands. "The baby…she had her checkup, and I asked for a DNA test, comparing it with my husband, thinking that would be a match. It's not. She has to be yours, Alan."

"What? I didn't think that was possible. I mean we didn't…or did we?"

"I didn't tell you this, but…at that New Year's theme party, when you were passed out, and I was loaded, I thought you were…my husband again, and you sort of let me keep going, and…yes, Alan, we had sex, and it was just under nine months ago. They already said she wasn't quite forty weeks when she was born, which would've been the last time for…"

"I get it," Alan said sternly. "What are you going to do? You can't just tell him what happened, or have you already?"

"He suspects that…she has something wrong with her, because I've been quiet and all, but…yeah, he knows something is going on, but I am not going to tell him! I just…don't want to hurt him."

"But if the child is mine, then I need to take some kind of responsibility for it, even if I can't remember the act."

"You've done enough. You know, you've been a good ex-husband. I thank you for that, Alan, and…I'm sorry I took all of your things. It was wrong of me. You can have the books, well…what's left of them. I had to sell them to help cover the lawyers, and I might've sold the autographed one, but…I'm sorry!" she exclaimed before he could stop her. "I'd try to get it back, but I don't have the money. Listen, I have to go. Can you keep Jake until tomorrow morning? I'm getting the results so I can take him to school."

"Sure," Alan whispered. "Are you sure you're not hungry?"

"Positive," she replied, walking away. Alan sighed and rejoined Charlie and Jake in the kitchen.

"Charlie, living room," Alan whispered. Charlie nodded and left the unconcerned Jake at the table. Charlie gave him a look of concern. "She thinks her kid is mine."

"Wow. I never would've expected that news to come from her. Flames, yes, but that? Listen, I know I shouldn't joke about it. Is she positive?"

"She's getting the test tomorrow morning, the results. She's picking up Jake then. She'll tell me. Charlie, she's more sincere. She apologized for…being a bitch during the divorce. She told me I could have the books back, the ones she didn't sell, and…she meant it. I think she sees how much I've sacrificed for her, and she wants to pay me back somehow."

"I knew something was different about today," Charlie whispered.

"Hello, Darlings!" their mother called. A man was behind her. "My beautiful sons…, Jake," she groaned. He was covered with pancakes and syrup from head to the seat of his jeans, which were still unzipped. "I have an announcement to make. This is Myron Smith. He and I are now…married!" she exclaimed, flashing the ring.

"Great," Alan and Charlie said unenthusiastically.

"Well aren't you happy for me?"

"Yeah, congrats," the boys mumbled. She sighed heavily.

"Well, I'm off to Maui. Um…could you call my job every day and take down my messages? I'll give you both two thousand for every one you take down," she grinned. The boys accepted her bribe, but only did one a piece. The day Judith told Alan was the day he got paid (three weeks late on both their parts). Judith had Alan's baby.

"I want to do something for you," Alan said sternly, handing her the envelope Alan had just filled that morning from his mother's check.

"No. He'll know then. I've hid this for weeks now, and…I never want to tell him. It's not something that will matter right now, you know. Alan, keep your money, and the books," she said sincerely, pointing to the large box in her backseat. Alan accepted the books and kept his money. He thought about her kind gesture throughout the night.***

Charlie was shocked. Three months after his mother's surprise wedding, her personality was surprisingly different. She was kind, generous, and bearable to be around. Charlie saw the allusion to his dream and prayed that it would stay on its course, and it did. Six months into her marriage, Charlie and Alan came over for their weekly dinner appointment. Myron was standing over her body. She died while taking her nap. Alan and Charlie knew not to rejoice. They had discovered their mother, the mother they probably had before she became senile shortly after their births. They learned to love the heartless bitch, but when she became just a heart-filled woman, they learned that old dogs do learn new tricks… but sometimes those tricks kill them. Believe it or not, they gave her a kind, heartfelt farewell and scattered her ashes off the beach beside Charlie's condo. Today, her picture is displayed in both of their houses, beside the ones of Alan, Judith, his son, and his daughter, and the man he calls his brother-in-law, the man Judith told her secret to just to get an 'eh, okay'. And Charlie was in the next picture with his beautiful daughter Aries, born to a supermodel a few years after his mother's death. Both moved on and separated from their ways. All learned how to stray from the path and to create your own, and to create love and well-being in the process.*~*


End file.
